Thoughts of a Sprite

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

ho hum

So I quit smoking like a week a... I don't miss the oral fixation part of it like last time, but I was definitely addicted chemically. Though I only smoked for a month, it will now take 90 days to get all those toxins back out of my body.... Grrrr I hate human weakness some times.

I talked to a friend yesterday, and she made a very good point. I am going to try.... Special emphasis on try, to quit trying to control every little detail in my life, and just take life as it comes, live day by day, hour by hour.... No I am not giving up my school plans or anything like that. I am still going to be one determined biotch when it comes to doing my personal best.

I am not sure what comfort I get from having that little bit of control, but it sure throws a wrench in the mix when you do lose that illusion of control... do you see? There never was a control to begin with... Yes I can control how organized I am, no I cannot control what the doctor is going to say next, or how a guy is going to react towards me, or how hard a teacher is going to grade.... Okay the easy part is saying it.... Now how the hell do I loosen my grip? I have fought to trick myself into believing that I am actually in control of my life, so hard in fact, that I forget to just kick back and have fun sometimes... I don’t get to laugh at life’s little curve balls any more, because I am too busy calling a foul!

I then get super stressed when life, as it always will, goes spiraling out of control... not that being stressed about it is going to do anything... it just happens that way. What is the point of being stressed? But how do I keep from getting stressed? I mean Medical bull shit is hard not to stress over, and no matter what I will always stress about grades... but the rest of it needs to just roll off my back. Like a certain person drinking too much, or what anyone cares about a romantic situation.... So okay I can say it, but can I do it? Only time will tell!

Okay, so enough of that... on to the forbidden fruit thing. Yeah I am taking it extremely slow. Cause wow I am fighting fire with fire here... I think the other guy and I just kind of drifted mutually apart, he hasn't really called since two Sundays ago, but neither have I so, we are even.... I feel bad in that last Saturday I found out that his father has less than a year to live.... However, he had known since Thursday, and never bothered to call and tell me! So eh I don't care... I am not gonna sweat it, not gonna worry about it. If he truly needed me, he would have called... thus it is not my problem. (was that cold hearted?)

The forbidden fruit is supposed to come pressure wash my house on either Saturday or Sunday in exchange for English and Computer lessons... perhaps later down the road, I will have to think up more exciting things to exchange for English lessons... oh now I am just being deviant... hehe... Anyways really no further developments on that front... I met him for dinner on Sunday, but for obvious reasons, ahem, he was still in uniform, in the town in which he works, the town in which I work, I was completely professional all through dinner. So he called after we parted ways to ask why I was so distant.... Hello, all eyes were on us... and he is going to be answering calls for some of those people, perhaps even arresting some of them... yes I guess there is no point in hiding it now, there are only a few who read this sight who actually know him... We work together... He is a cop, and I am administration... He breaks two of my major rules... I don't date cops (actually the rule is I don't date emergency response,) or those that I work with… yeah this is why he has been bestowed with the forbidden fruit title. There I go trying to control things again... so I just had to follow the advise of a few good friends... life is short... live a little! We will see how it goes... He did smell awfully nice today!

I am in a totally weird state today. I can't help it, I am just in one of those moods, even though I am a bit fuzzy headed from the nicotine with drawls, I am not crabby at all, I am in a terribly good mood... I am not sure why, I woke up almost an hour late this morning, but hey I still got to work ten minutes early so why stress it! I was using the patch but that biotch is not cheap, so my last one ran out at like 0630 this morning.... I think I am doing considerably well! Well I may have just made a fool of my self on the radio... yeah, poor baby cop, let a guy with an expired license go... with a verbal warning... problem is it has been expired since 1999.... That is not only a criminal citation but an arrestable offense. This poor guy has given all of his traffic stops at least on citation, but for some reason he let this guy go. Well when he said 10-8 verbal... the supervisor said do what, and I assumed the same tone and said 10-9… which means repeat your last transmission... oh not good, I had to apologize... I didn’t want to lower his confidence... Oh goodness... well I gotta get back to work now.

shes_a_sprite @ 8:55 AM.

3 comments

Rachel said...

I so knew it was a guy from your work!!!! :) Forbidden Fruit!!! You are so funny. I wouldn't date a cop, oh no we would constantly be arguing about driving citations and who is right and who is wrong, and he would be like, "I am the law" and I would be like, "yeah whatever poko-dot boxer boy"

I also enjoyed reading about how you are going to loosen your grip a bit...This is something that I can relate with, I also tried well really had to when my dad got sick but I just started to organize and control inanimate objects so I don't know if I improved any...

I so want to quit smoking! But you are stronger than I, so cheers to you. :)

I have one question...Why do you need to give this forbidden fruit english lessons???

8:07 PM

Larry said...

Oooh oooh... I can answer that one. I thought my English/writing skills sucked. Hell in comparison I should have a doctorate in the English language. If you could only see some of his reports and the hell he put his training officers through.

7:51 PM

Rachel said...

I see. Interesting.

10:13 PM